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publication date: Mar 17, 2010
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author/source: Trevor Crow, LMFT
3/13/10
“Am I important to you?" Ellie hung up the phone in frustration. Joe, her husband of ten years was working late again and she was feeling angry and fed up. Her two boys had been a handful all day and she hadn’t had time to do all that she had planned. She felt trapped and alone at that moment. Joe wouldn’t be home for several hours and her boys were hungry for dinner and would need a bath soon.  Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT By the time Joe walked in the door, he was tired and didn’t notice Ellie’s desperation. Instead, he gave her a peck on the cheek and went straight to the boys and made a big fuss about coming home and seeing them. It was his first real joy of the day. Ellie, watching the boys delight in their dad’s homecoming felt left out and resentful. She wanted them to be happy to see their dad, but at that moment, it they seemed loved him more than her and he they. Part of her knew she was being childish but she couldn’t help feeling angry all the same. By the time the boys were in bed and Ellie and Joe had time to focus on one another, Ellie was at a boiling point. When Joe mentioned that he had a company golf game on the upcoming Saturday afternoon, Ellie lost it. She started yelling, saying that he didn’t care about her and that he only cared about golf and his job. He responded that his job paid the bills and here she was a stay-at-home mom; shouldn’t she feel lucky? She fought back, saying the last thing she felt was lucky. She felt he was insensitive and selfish and didn’t care about their family. It was all about golf and work. He stormed out of the room, only to fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Again. Sound familiar? Do the themes of this scenario play out in your household? Understandably, Ellie is feeling angry and, deep down, hurt that Joe doesn’t see how hard her assignment is. Staying at home means no promotions, no bonuses and no adult conversation. Instead, the joy of being with her children, though wonderful, can often be frustrating and deeply isolating. By the end of most days, Ellie wants Joe to understand the challenges and loneliness she experiences. But her way of sharing sounds to Joe like criticism. Joe on the other hand is also tired . He works hard and must internalize the pressures and insecurities of his job, always asking himself why he didn’t get that promotion or better bonus. He too feels isolated, stressed by having to shoulder the financial burden of the family without recognition. When he gets home, he seeks respite from the demands of the breadwinner’s workplace. But when he finds criticism instead, he shuts down and withdraws. Ellie and Joe have reached the point where they are fully missing one another. For the moment, the connection they both crave, that feeling of being loved, has been lost. Neither feels safe with the other. And the drama is predictable -- no matter what they are actually fighting about, it’s the same fight every time. Ellie seeks validation and reassurance from Joe. But her approach to achieving it is negative because he doesn’t respond. As he withdraws, he feels anything he says will cause her to become angrier. Yet this is negative too because his distancing causes her to amplify her criticism. Ellie has become the relationship’s “pursuer,” while Joe has become its “withdrawer.” Each fight follows a similar script as Ellie calls Joe out on something that she feels is selfish or insensitive, causing Joe to pull back and clam up. Below her angry surface, Ellie is feeling hurt that Joe seems to abandon her. Joe is feeling that anything he says will cause Ellie to yell louder. He feels incapable of satisfying her, making him even more quiet and afraid of rejection. He can’t seem to do anything right. Neither can see what the other is experiencing. They are locked in an adversarial “blame the other” stance. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, (see www.holdmetight.com ) describes this as a “demon dance.” Hold Me Tight is an excellent book on couples and relationships based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Sue developed the EFT model based on attachment theory. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory for more information.) Attachment – the forming of secure emotional bonds -- is as important to us as food and water. Our survival as infants is based on our attachment to our caregiver. Bowlby theorized that secure attachment, the process by which a care giver responds to the child’s needs and gives the child a feeling of safety, allows the child to go into the world to explore and develop in a healthy way. As adults we still crave secure attachment, namely, to be known and seen by our loved one in a safe secure relationship. When we lose a lover, many of us describe the event using words that are evocative of a death experience. The concept of adult love is intimately related to secure attachment. We are always asking our loved one two questions: Are you there for me? Am I important to you? In Ellie and Joe’s marriage, Ellie feels that she is not important to Joe, that his work comes first. For his part, Joe feels accosted by Ellie, his muse. Attachment wounds to their relationship are the result. The nature of the demon dance is that each sees the other as the cause of the bad feelings. We want to blame our partner for our disconnection. However, each of us has a part to play in the demon dance. Often we have unacknowledged feelings of fear, anxiety, grief and sometimes shame that cause us to put up emotional walls to protect ourselves from our partners and life in general. Many times emotional walls are defense mechanisms that protected and kept us safe as we grew up. But now they distance us from our loved ones. We can learn to stand back from the dance. To do so we must first examine our feelings and their triggers. Reflecting on our actions and our actions’ impact on our partners can provide deep awareness of the dance. When our partner can slow down and understand our pain and its source, we can in turn see theirs; we can reconnect and feel safe together again. For more information on EFT, attachment and Sue Johnson, visit www.NewEnglandEFT.com Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT www.TrevorMahony.com 203-243-7060 |
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